election 2008 conspiracy theory #1 - 06/09/08
So, you're John McCain and through a strange degree of cunning, luck and providential serendipity, you find yourself the Republican Nominee for President of the United States of America. At 72 you can hardly believe your luck.
Now how to win? Easy, find the perfect VP. So you have some ideas: Tom Ridge, a fairly respected former governor of Pennsylvania who then became the first head of the Department of Homeland Security. Or there's your long time buddy from across the political aisle: Joe Lieberman, the Connecticut senator who shares a home-party-bucking personality streak almost as big as your own. Either of them would be solid choices to appeal to that all important American political constituency: the Independent.
Problem is: they're both baby killers. Yup, these two guys support a woman's right to choose what she does with her own body. So do you. But it is that fact that drives people in your own party into an apoplectic, mouth foaming rage.
So then how do you appeal to them and not get yourself heckled out of your own nominating convention? You chose a Pro-Life, Pro-Gun, pro-God, "the World is NOT warming so stop complaining and let's drill us some oil" Anti-Sex Education Mother of a 17 year old carrying Her Hockey Boyfriend's Happy Accident. So this woman is the perfect political coup de grace. With one fell swoop you bring back into the fold the disaffected conservatives who hate your guts because you're not conservative enough (but boy is she!) and the disaffected women who are heart broken that the first female candidate for the president had been upstaged by the first successful black candidate.
Man, this one is in the bag!
But then you wake up a week after your 72nd birthday, one that would make you the oldest first term president in the history of the job, and you start to worry.
Why were they so excited about this woman who is so different from you? Why did the people who have said all through the campaign these past two years how much they hate you absolutely fall all over themselves for this bible thumping mother of 5?
A heartbeat away from the presidency. That's what everyone keeps saying. Oh Jesus! Now it all makes sense: the only way conservatives could keep hold of the White House is if they elect an independent who'll appeal to people upset by what Dubya's done for 8 years. But then they select the old war hero whose too old to be around too long if he gets elected (or the CIA can take him out when Karl Rove and Grover Norquist tell them to) and then we've got the next Reagan in the White house without having to try too hard or acknowledge the fact that the last 8 years really have sucked.
Oh John, what have you got yourself into?